I think my mind has made so many decisions over the past 24+ hours that I find myself sitting here trying to decide what to title this blog post. Changing it over and over. Not much energy left in me. It’s 11:30pm and I am contemplating going to sleep. But, I’m laying in the downstairs bedroom of my Grandma Doorn’s house, in the vary same bedroom & bed that my Dad slept in for a little over a year, up until approximately 2 months ago. I have to admit that before crawling into bed I looked around every nook and cranny in this bedroom hoping I might find something of his that he left behind. I even checked under the bed.
Earlier today I was in my Dad’s new bedroom where he has been living for about the past 2 months with his fiance. It was a formal and short visit with the neighbor letting us into the house. I struggled with the task at hand of picking out his burial clothes versus wanting to look around at his stuff, how he left things, what he did last, etc. There will be a time for that.
I realized I can get internet on Grandma’s little Eee-PC so I thought it might be a good time to write a blog post. Maybe to tell some of you more details about my Dad’s death. And maybe so that I remember some of the details later and can go back and read this myself. Also, it’s an excuse not to go to sleep.
My Dad passed away yesterday morning, Monday, September 6, Labor Day in his sleep. We are presuming it is a heart attack and we will know for sure after autopsy results. He was in Atlanta on vacation with his fiance, Kathy. Kathy’s daughter was at the hospital having a baby. Kathy & my Dad were up at 4am. Dad went back to bed and Kathy went to the hospital. Later that morning my Dad didn’t wake up and he had passed in his sleep. Kathy’s daughter & the baby have both been in ICU with their health taking turns for the good or worse at various times. Today they were both stable and so Kathy is flying back tonight. What an extremely difficult time for her. My heart goes out to her.
My Dad & Kathy recently got engaged and had not told anyone yet. I was happy to know that in his final weeks on earth he was happy enough to have moved in with Kathy and asked her to marry him. I think my Dad has had so many unhappy times in his life that it’s nice to know he had a lot of happiness in the end.
The most interesting thing to me in the past 2 days is how there are two distinct things happening for me, or anyone who has to deal with a loss. First, is the emotional side and dealing with the grief and feelings and allowing the tears to flow. The second, is how a “business” side has to immediately take over. I am the executor, next of kin, oldest child (all those terms I’ve heard a million times in 24 hours) and it required me to have the responsibility….but also the privaledge….of taking care of so many details that I am torn with being completely overwhelmed versus being the detailed, organized, professional business woman that I can be. It’s a lot of hats to wear all at once. Lucky for me, I have a amazing support from family. My Grandma & my dad’s 4 siblings (my aunt & uncles) are a huge support. I have a younger half sister, Stephanie, that is only 24 and was very close to our Dad. As we picked out a casket together for him and picked out his burial clothes I coulnd’t help but wonder how hard that was for her and what grown up things she was suddenly having to do. My heart also goes out for her.
This is also difficult for my Grandma, Dad’s Mom. I am also grateful that Dad was able to live with Grandma for a little over a year and establish a tigher connection,/bond, for both of their sake. Having one of your children pass away before you is one of those things that doesn’t happen all that often. So I can imagine how difficult it is for her, as a Mom, to have to say goodbye and bury her son. My heart goes out to her as well. And also Dad’s siblings (my aunts & uncles). And my other siblings, Kari & Shawn.
When I told Brady & Tyler about Grandpa Jim dying and going to Heaven they asked me several inquisitive questions like “Did he go to heaven in an airplane?” and “Did you get to say goodbye to him?”. I told them he had a sick heart. To which they asked “We aren’t dead though, right Mom?” I also realized that they will see him at the funeral home and would be confused because I told them he went to Heaven. So I had to explain how his body is here but his soul/heart goes to heaven. At the end they asked me “can we still play with play-dough even though he is dead?” Smart kids…they remembered that he gave them a ton of play-dough stuff for their bday a year ago. So I let them play with play-dough. Brady was intent on making flowers. And each of the flowers had to die. Intersting to watch how little ones make sense of it.
Yesterday I cried a lot. I had swollen eyes this morning and could barely see. Today, no tears, just took care of business, and plenty of it. Until I sat down here in the room, in the quiet, after everyone left. Time to actually think for a minute. And the tears started again. It’s taken me a solid hour to write this. I should try to sleep. Wonder what Dad is doing up in Heaven right now? I hope I am honoring him by making all the right decisions this week.
